I wrote this title over two months ago on October 10th, and failed to write anything more. The weeks have whooshed by at a pace I can barely manage. I think about writing a lot, but never quite muster the creative energy. I promise I can explain my long, unfulfilling absence. This summer and fall I have been nauseated, weak, and stressed. I’ve vomited so hard I hemorrhaged my eyeball (not a metaphor). My esophagus burns when I even think about eating. But as I count down the weeks I am starting to feel the excitement stir in my chest knowing the joy that’s approaching. ‘Cause, damn it, I got knocked up again!
Shortly after my post weighing the pros and cons of having another baby, my husband and I had an “aw fuck it” moment [no pun intended?]. We thought we’d be carefree and irresponsible and just see what happens. We were tired of discussing it and ready to give fate a chance. I honestly thought there would be time to change our minds, nothing would be set in stone for months…but apparently we are as fertile as two jack rabbits on a fine spring day.
That 2 week wait was a weird one. With Roman I was SO SURE of what I wanted that every minute dragged on and I couldn’t make heads or tails of the way my body was acting. I was beside myself with excitement and shock when I FINALLY read “pregnant” on my test. This time, though, I was still unsure of what course I wanted my life to take. I didn’t long for it, but I didn’t hope against it either. Honestly, though, I kinda wanted to win. Getting a positive test would feel like an achievement, and I wanted that. I also wanted the indecision to be over, and there would certainly be no going back! In the end, it really wasn’t a two week wait. I could feel the positive result coming a week ahead of time. This time I knew it in my bones. Also, there were the signs.
So when I took the test 4 days early I was not surprised to see a faded line! The joy was more subtle than the first time around, more deep breaths and chants of “we can do this!” because now we know what sleep deprivation really means. We understand the struggle of on-demand breastfeeding, the worry that comes from having someone so fragile in the house, the sacrifice of having a life that isn’t your own. We also know the tremendous love that comes along with the hardships, the squishy baby toes, and the endless fascination of watching someone else discover everything about life.
So today I am 30 weeks pregnant, just as I was when I started blogging about my first pregnancy! This pregnancy has been very different with a lot more sickness, discomfort, and exhaustion. Last time I was able to maintain a stable sense of pregnancy bliss, that I simply haven’t had time for this round. I feel guilty for that, like this baby is already missing out on something because my head space hasn’t been quite as focused or positive as it was for Roman. However, with a mere 10 weeks left, I’m finally coming into the zone. I love my pregnant belly, and I feel more and more connected with the baby inside with every hiccup and kick. This experience is just the first of many where I learn that I can be two different moms to two different people and neither way is wrong.
We have had some real wonderful moments this summer, too! Unlike 2 years ago, my hospital now routinely tests for gender during the 12 week blood draw. Once again, just like with Roman, I was positive I knew the sex of my little plum. Still, I was elated when the test results were emailed to me and Troy and I read together the words that confirmed my suspicion:
“In your case, the results indicate the baby is a GIRL.”
Hooray! I’m stoked to have more female vibes in the house. I’m terrifically outnumbered right now, and I’m excited to add headbands to our baby accessory game. Speaking of baby noggins, as mentioned, my heartburn has been OUT OF CONTROL, and I read that more severe heartburn correlates to having a baby born with hair! #truth It would break a family tradition of bald babies, but I sure would be delighted to give birth to a little hairball!
So our little daughter is due February 27th, there’s no going back and it’s going to be incredible!