I'm taking the plunge and I'm headed back to the world of hurried mornings, cubicles, and slacks. You got it - this girl took an office job! It was an incredibly stressful decision to make; I've never had to weigh so many factors when accepting a job before. It seems that making decisions that have profound effects on other people's lives never gets any easier.
The job opportunity came as a total surprise. It was a listing my mom saw and sent to me kind of out of the blue. I knew I didn't want to be a caregiver forever and I have career goals, but that kind of change was still a faraway thought, someday I'll get a good job like someday I'll remodel my kitchen. The kind of daydream that involves matching appliances and is so laughably unrealistic that you might as well throw in a fancy granite countertop 'cause #thatshitaintgonnahappen. But I threw my hat into the ring, because you never know, right?
The job itself is pretty rad. Since I haven't technically started yet I don't want to get cocky and start blabbing about it all over the internets, so I won't give the exact description or organization it's with, but it has great benefits, great starting pay, and it's only a 1-2 year commitment, which is perfect for where I'm at in life right now. I'll get valuable working experience and it will lead to more opportunities.
The part of me that is Myself is so stoked. Currently I'm not utilizing all of my skills, and the thought of using my brain for problem solving and critical thinking is SO EXCITING! I will get to learn new things, talk to new people, and my co-workers will actually care if I show up wearing something nicer than pajamas. I'm ready for more structured days and the politics that come with office life. I'm ready for a change!
Then Motherhood steps in and I feel anxiety knot itself around my internal organs. What about Roman? That voice chimes in. Where will he go? Who will watch him? What about Roman? Can he handle this change? Will he be capable of transitioning from everything he's ever known to an entirely different environment? What about Roman? What if he gets sick? Or hurt? Or scared? What if he needs me? What if he needs me and I'm. not. there.
The pain and fear I feel is almost overwhelming. I can't explain to a 1 year old that he's on the brink of change but that he will be OK. I can't make him understand that when his Daddy drops him off at daycare it will seem scary. There will be strange people, strange noises, strange smells, but he will be OK. I can't comfort him with the thought that Mommy will be there at the end of the day to scoop him up and kiss his face and take him back to everything that is familiar. I can't convey to him that I won't be spending every moment of every day in reach of him, but I love him all the same.
I wanted to stave off this heartbreak. I wanted another year with my baby inseparably by my side. I thought we had more time to be each other's constant companions. And yet... this opportunity is too good for the Person That Was before and still exists in here somewhere. The freedom is tantalizing, and the future growth is immeasurable. This change could be the reason we can take European vacations. Better yet, this change could be the reason Roman comes home to a fulfilled, attentive mother who is her best self.
Perfect Stranger, have there been any big changes in your life lately?